Today was the last noon hour "Parenting" Session/free lunch. A few of us are disappointed; these weekly sessions could be extremely beneficial for at least 10 more years! We were first asked to list 5 of our "buttons" that our kids can "push". Five????? I came up with NINE before I was abruptly cut off:1. Ignoring or dismissing me/not listening or disengaging from me
2. Blatantly defying me
3. Bossing me
4. Interrupting me
5. Challenging me/Questioning me
6. Judging me
7. Blaming me
8. Bragging or "One upping" me (or anyone else)
9. Displaying Selfishness - grabbing things first, etc.
Once we had identified them, we had to ask WHY these behaviors bothered us. Basically, it boiled down to the fact that the child has REFUSED to be influenced by the parent in mostly all of these cases. Unfortunately, when we admit the child can push our buttons, we are placing ourselves in a "victim" role - and blaming the child. As parents, we must avoid parenting through our emotions (ie: guilt, fear, anger) and begin to demonstrate the skill of self-control versus controlling others. Big task!!! Especially not projecting our fears!!! We must realize that a child who doesn't finish his homework one day does not necessarily evolve into a lazy adult living on government hand-outs. Our job is to stop blaming / commanding / lecturing / threatening / acting like a fortune-teller -- and begin to equip them for life by remaining a positive role model. When we project our fears (ie: he defied me and ate the chocolate bar = he will later defy me and take street drugs), we are sending a clear message to the child that we do not trust them to make their own choices. Parents need to affirm the following:
We believe in you
We trust you
We know you can handle this
You are cared for
You are listened to
You are very important to me
You should never be motivated just by trying to please us (or others)
A lot to think about - but I do know that my buttons are way more easily pressed when I'm tired and cranky! Having said that, it's time to say "Nighty-Night!".
2 comments:
Very Good!! I have written out the affirmations for my next parent newsletter. Thanks for the great post.
That list was actually from a book that was referenced - I may not have it exactly right as I was just going by my memory. But I think it's close (the exact words may differ) - and it's certainly a very good guide to always keep in mind!
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